The Other Side of Trust, Part Two

One of my most significant successes with the Macklin Method started from a conversation around trust.  

My story about trusting people who I assess are not worthy of trust was that it was not worth the cost.  Why incur the risk and cost when they had already proven to me that they are unworthy of my trust?

My Story of Mistrust

I worked with several individuals who had a habit of discounting others’ capabilities when they were not present.  I also observed them saying one thing when they were together and doing much different things when not in a group setting.  One of these individuals, let’s call them ‘Alex’,  was placed into a key leadership role around strategy.  Working with this individual was important for the role that I held. I simply could not trust them.  

When sharing my dilemma, Ron tossed me the following line – ‘What situation could exist where you would be willing to trust them again?’

Changing Mistrust to Trust

I realized that If I held onto these stories about the other person, I was the one closing out my ability to work with them in the future.  These stories of mistrust closed off the possibility of me continuing to make offers around developing strategies and innovation with them.

I let go of the past – even the parts that I assessed were based on ‘real’ experiences with Alex.  I chose to create Alex to be a person who was ambitious, taking care of life and family, who was a source of help and who needed help.  

I asked Alex what they cared about and what help they needed – was there anything I could do to help them?  I resisted accepting any of the stories that I heard others repeat about them.  As we worked together, I could honestly share when others expressed their assessments ‘that is not my experience in working with them’.  

It changed our relationship.  And it removed them from being the threat I had created them to be.  

Overcoming My Mistrust

I noticed that I had granted a lot of power to the stories of mistrust I had created about others.  And since I held them and was acting from them, I could infect others with those same stories.  

I began to empty them out.  I started to practice letting people show up as themselves, to listen and engage with them to find out what help they needed and what help they offered

Others noticed I seemed to be able to remain centered in situations where they would have gotten angry or upset.  As I listened, I smiled.  I used to do that – and it was based on the stories I made up about the other person and their intentions and the threat I made them out to be.  

When I stopped inventing reasons to mistrust others, I found it easier to come from a place of trust. I began to be able to genuinely believe in others.

From the High Price of Mistrust blog,  I accepted the term “generalized reciprocity” which means “I’ll do this for you without expecting anything specific back from you, in the confident expectation that someone else will do something for me down the road.”

Together we thrive– is part of my stand.  Learning how to genuinely believe in others and to allow people to be who they are in the moment and not imprison them in the stories I had already made up has made all the difference for me.  

I still screw up, get triggered and invent threats.  I have gotten better at letting the stories go and creating a new space for future connections.  I remain a work-in-progress.  Aren’t we all?

‍