The Other Side of Trust, Part One

There is much being said about trust and its importance.  We do not often talk about the other side of trust – mistrust.  

In a recent blog post on the High Price of Mistrust, the author claims

“When we cannot trust each other, nothing works. As we participate in our communities less and less, we find it harder to feel other people are trustworthy. But if we can bring back a sense of trust in the people around us, the rewards are incredible.” -Farnam Street

I accept that claim.

And yet it seems to be incomplete.

What is Trust?

Trust is the story we hold about how someone will act in the future.  

It comes from our assessments of them – which can come from our specific interactions with them or be based on something as simple as how they look, what role they hold, or what they appear to be doing in the moment.  

When I can ‘trust’ that you will act in a way that is not harmful to me, I am more likely to want to connect with you, to open up to you, and to accept what you say as genuine and credible.  But when I assess you to be a threat, I am more likely to disbelieve you, to reject what you offer, to distance myself from you and to decline to offer you help or to connect with you.

As humans, we are always assessing threats.  Being able to rapidly respond to a threat is key to our survival.  We often make those assessments from our  already existing stories so we can rapidly notify our body when we feel threatened and take appropriate actions.  

Those already existing stories can keep us safe.

Why We Mistrust

Those already existing stories can also close out future possibilities.

When we create someone to be a certain way based on what we have heard about them, past encounters, or based on others similar to that person, we interpret everything they say and do from that lens.  And since we are all masterful story tellers, we hold the power to make up a story that has someone’s actions ‘fit’ into the story we have in our head.  

Those already existing stories about who the other person is to us shape our future with them.  Where our stories are more generic, like all bosses, employees, millennials, , baby boomers, anyone who works for the cable company, or any other such blanket story, we create a person to be that way before they speak or do anything.  

The Consequences of Mistrust

When I mistrust, my scared self has me withdraw from the source of the threat. I pretend that I can do it myself because I tell myself it is safer, or somehow better, if I do not work with or accept help from anyone else.

We know that, as humans, we cannot thrive without help.  So, in closing off help based on our stories about mistrust, we limit ourselves, others, and what is possible.

Mistrust is where I locate my reluctance to make new connections.  When I toss myself the line Why not go talk to that person?  Why not let others help? I notice the answer does not come from actual connections with that person but in my past failures to connect with them.

What if I start from a place of believing in and trusting others?  What if that is who I create for others to BE for me?  I know because I am human, I am scared, and I need help.  This is not a flaw or a failing, it is what it means to be human.  Which means others are scared and need help – whether they know it or not – because they are human.

‍