Caring Less Means Caring More

I used to ‘care’ a lot about a lot of things.

I was easily outraged at obvious injustices, and I thought I ‘cared’ about a lot of things.

Most of the energy I spent on these injustices was limited to my internal sense of outrage..  Notice I did not say I cared for a lot – I cared about a lot of things.  

As I started to work on my stand, I found a long list of shoulds that came rolling out.  They were based on my assessment of the way the world should be, the way humans should be, and, therefore, the way I should be.

That was a whole lot of ‘should-ing’ going on!

When I put that in writing, I pushed myself back in my chair and stared at the screen and asked myself ‘Are you really ready to care that much about that much?’.

What Do I Really Care About?

I knew the answer before I even asked myself the question.  Of course, I wasn’t.  My past actions showed I was not.  I am not an activist – and have no desire to become one.  I wasn’t even ready to strive for that level of perfection every day of my own life.

Then I looked at this list and asked myself ‘How many people can live up to the criteria you just invented?’  Again, before I was done asking that question, I knew the answer.  Even I couldn’t live up to my standard of perfection.

So I started to take things off the list.

What will I really not do?  New criteria – if I am going to have something I will not do as part of my stand, it means I will think and act to not do that.  If and when I fail – remembering I am perfectly imperfect – I will take actions to rectify the failure because I just acted in a way that I declared was unsatisfactory.  

This resulted in a very short list of things I will not do.

Now how about that list of things I will do . . . that was pretty long too.  

So I asked, what action I was willing to take when I act contrary to what I just said I will do.  I made the things I will do be things I will always do.  And that means when I fail, which I will because I am human, I will take action to rectify that breakdown.  I found I could often describe a situation where the action I declared I will always do wasn’t what I would do.  So off that came from the list.

My list of what I will do was much shorter.  

Caring Less Means Caring More

I was much more passionate about it.  The list now contained things I really cared about.  They were really the stand I chose for me.  I could care more about them because I knew that I was really committed to them and there are fewer things that I am committed to caring a lot about.

I can remain centered because there are fewer things to trigger my outrage at a world that was never going to follow my personal interpretation of what a ‘best’ world would be.  

This allowed me to remove all those obstacles to connecting with others that came from my should-ing on them.  It prevented me from having that long list of expectations ready to use to shield me from connecting with others.  It hid the real reason – I am scared.

I am better at noticing the nuances that lead to the differences in how each of us dances through life.  I can truly celebrate those that follow a different path.  

Do you hold onto expectations of how the world should be that aren’t serving you?  Perhaps you, too, could benefit from caring more about less.  I suggest starting from creating the long list of things that you will or will not do from your internal sense of what humans should and should not do.  Empty that list of expectations out onto the page.  And then push your chair back and ask yourself ‘Am I really ready to care that much about that much?’