Claudia says the first thing she notices is how much they’re holding her back. She shares a story about how when she became a mom, she decided not to go back to her old job. She didn’t know what other possibilities were out there. That’s when the negative stories showed up in her head.
Michelle asks: How did you change those stories? Claudia says it happened gradually, and it’s still a work in progress. She works on figuring out what things are holding her back, and most of them are focused on not being “enough.”
Ron asks Claudia for an example. Claudia shares that one of the stories in her head is that she hates public speaking -- especially speaking English in public. These are a couple of reasons that she started her podcast, Wired For Success.
Michelle tells Claudia that she relates to the “not enough-ness.” What does it mean to be enough? Claudia says that enough means that we don’t see the world through the filter of lacking something. We have to honor ourselves for who we are and what we can contribute to the world.
Claudia says she tries to change her fear to curiosity. She calls it “kind curiosity.” Instead of looking at the worst-case scenario, she looks for the best-case scenario and how it can help the people around her.
Most of the time, neither the best-case nor the worst-case scenario happens -- it’s usually somewhere in between. But the physical sensations of nervousness and anxiety, thinking about the best-case scenario can interrupt the stress response. It’s not about the outcome, but more about how to move forward.
Claudia says that for most people, it can feel easier to help other people than it is to help yourself. From the outside, it always looks so obvious what the other person should do. We all have our own blind spots. Coaching isn’t about telling people what to do, but helping them see in their blind spots. And so often, you can learn your own blind spots when they are reflected back to you.
We can sometimes get hung up on our own ways of thinking and see those as objective truth without taking into account others’ points of views, motivations, and experiences. We don’t see the world as it is: we see it as we are. Being an authentic leader is being aware of these filters.
Michelle shares an example: when she plays tennis with her husband, and she says “Let’s play on 5,” her husband interprets it as Michelle wanting to play until 5, when she meant she wanted to play on court 5. Michelle’s husband is worried about how long they’re playing, while she’s concerned about being closest to the tennis balls. It was just a misunderstanding that happened in 20 seconds, so imagine what can happen over a longer period of time.
Claudia says that you have to question your beliefs and the assumptions. And if you do, maybe you can look and see if you have any beliefs or assumptions in the opposite direction -- the truth is usually somewhere in the middle.
Claudia says for her, it means she can rely on them to keep their promises, they will show up when she needs help, and they will give her the benefit of the doubt if she’s offended them. It’s the basis of believing that someone has your best interest in mind when they do something.
Ron asks: Can you trust someone you’ve never met before? Claudia says yes; Ron says that they trusted Claudia to be on their podcast today even though they didn’t really know each other.
Michelle brings up Claudia’s point of someone giving you the benefit of the doubt when you’ve offended them. How does that show up for you, and what do you do? Claudia shares a story about her husband, who is from New Zealand. While she says his German is “excellent,” sometimes things get lost in translation. Sometimes communication breaks down, but they talk through what happened and what they really meant.
Claudia says that it’s fascinating to see how they see the world because it can teach us a lot. They see the world without as many filters. Claudia is trying to be mindful in explaining to them how powerful they are. While she was always afraid of making mistakes, she wants to tell them that “sometimes you win, sometimes you learn.”
Michelle shares a story that she had stuck in her head about her daughter when she was a teenager, though now she’s 24, and it took some time for her to change the story she was holding and see her as a beautiful young adult. It shifted her entire orientation and relationship with her.
Ron says he remembers his father telling him “I’m learning from you now.” As his kids continue getting older, he’s learning from who they choose to be and he’s learning to be open and modifiable.
Join us to hear how understanding the idea of “self talk” — and what you can do about it — could change your relationships and life for the better.